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ChiWahWah Astrology
by Zoe O'Brien

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Tired of the same old horoscope rubbish? Try new improved ChiWahWah style astrology.

Aries the Rambo

You are violent, pushy, and loud. People around you leave either through intimidation or disgust. Aries is a Meat sign. Meat signs are obnoxious and tasteless, much like a McDonald's hamburger.


Taurus the Cow

You tend towards stubborn bullheadedness and quiet rumination. You probably have a big rear end. Taurus is a Grain sign. Grain signs are boring, like most high fibre foods.


Gemini the Schizo

You are insane. So are every one of your indecisive personalities. Gemini is a Fruits and Vegetable sign. Fruit and Vegetable people are known to be unstable, earning them titles like "Fruit" and "Vegetable".


Cancer the Tumour

You are a real marshmellow. Sometimes you get burnt. Cancer is a Dairy sign. Dairy signs are good when they're fresh, awful when they've gotten old and rotten.


Leo the Liar

You couldn't tell the truth if your lie depended on it. Yes, that's lie, not life. Leo is a Meat sign. Meat signs tend to be like meat itself ; they attract flies when left out.


Virgo the Vulgar

You are tacky and stubborn about everything. You should go on Jerry Springer. Virgo is a Grain sign. Grain signs tend to go on and on and on, like wheat fields in the Prairies.


Libra the Liberal

You tend to be wishy washy loser. You thank people after they mug you. Libra is a Fruits and Vegetable sign. Fruit and Vegetable people should be carefully wrapped and packed in crates for their own protection.


Scorpio the Scumbag

A total, total slimeball. That's what you are. Scorpio is a Dairy sign. Dairy signs should be stamped with a date just like milk cartons so you know when to throw them out.


Saggitarius the Archenemy

You are a whining pain in the butt. Nothing ever works for you. Saggitarius is a Meat sign. Meat signs are often high in fat and not good for your heart.


Capricorn the Mutant

You are a complete and utter freak. You even enjoy the fact. Capricorn is a Grain sign. Grain signs are known to be like breakfast cereals ; there's often weevils in the Wheaties.


Aquarius the Aquarium

You are peculiar. You probably would swallow goldfish on national television just to make a point. Aquarius is a Fruits and Vegetable sign. Fruit and Vegetable signs are like fruit stands ; often upset.


Pisces the Fishstick

You are a flake. You see secret messages in cloud formations and spilt beer. Pisces is a Dairy sign. Dairy sign people are like most dairy products such as cheese or yoghurt...they're only likeable after going somewhat off.


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